Funny Jokes To Past The Time

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Funny Jokes To Past The Time
Blonde Jokes
Yo Mama is sooooo fat...
Yo Mama is sooooo hairy...
Yo Mama is sooooo old...
Yo Mama is sooooo ugly...
Yo Mama is sooooo poor...
Miscellaneous yo Mama...
Other people besides yo Mama...
Yo mama is soooooo dumb..
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While you're here, why dont you read some jokes? Theres blonde jokes, yo mama jokes, what ifs, and others. Minus well if you have time.

 

Crazy thoughts

What''s the difference between a novel and a book?
How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?
If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?
If you have a cold hot pocket, is it just a pocket?
If humans evolved from monkey''s/apes, why are they still here?
Why doesn''t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is the show called unsolved mysteries? if they were solved they wouldn''t be mysteries.
Do penguins have knees?
Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on?
How come people tell you not to stand in front of an emergency exit when if there was an emergency surely you would run through it?
Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
Why are both of Spongebob''s parents round like sea sponges while he is square like a kitchen sponge?
Does a two-humped camel store more water than a one-humped camel?
If you pamper a cow, do you get spoiled milk?
Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?
If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
If they have angel food cake on earth, do they have people food cake in heaven?
If you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy?
Do they call a fortune teller who cant see a "blind seer"?
Why do you put two cents in when its only a penny for your thoughts?
Can you cry underwater?
You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No Pants? Would the restaurant still have to serve them?
If an African elephant comes to America, is it an African-American elephant?
Why doesn''t flavored gum turn your mouth that color?
If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?
Why do we say we''re head over heels when we''re happy? Isn''t that the way we normally are?
If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water... how did she ever bathe?
If bald people work as chefs in a restaurant,do they have to wear hairnets?
Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state :''Caution: May Cause Drowsiness?
Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?
How can Darth Vader breathe and talk at the same time?
If there''s a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"?
When the French swear do they say pardon my English?
Do people who use sign language see little hands in their head when they think about what somebody said, or do they hear the words in their head?
How did Walt Disney figure out how to make people pay to stand in lines all day?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they call someone "late" if they died early?
Why are the adjectives ''fast as'' and ''slow as'' often used in conjunction with hell, is hell slow or fast?
If the serving size on a can of soda is one can, then why is the serving size on the little can one can, too? Wouldn''t the little cans be 2 cans?
If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family?
Why are red buttons always the most important?
How is chess considered a sport?
Why is it when your sleeping it`s called drool but when your awake its called spit?
If a hermaphrodite got sent to a certain gender prison, which one would it get sent to?
If a teacher were to teach a younger grade than they were teaching before, would they be "degraded"?
If you get chemo-therapy do you lose your pubic hairs?
Would you die if you didn''t pee?
Why does every Abraham Lincoln impersonator sound the same, even though there are no known audio recordings of the man?
How''s come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up.
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don''t lay eggs.
When Jewish People go to Court, they can''t swear on the bible, can they?
If marbles are not made of marble, why are they called marbles?
If you dig a hole through the center of the earth, come out on the other side, and then let go, would you be falling down or floating up?
Could you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?
If ketchup is good on french fries, how come it isn''t good on mashed potatoes?
Where do all the daylight savings hours go?
Why doesn''t the hair on your arms grow as fast as the hair on your head?
What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?
Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?
How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?
Why doesn''t broccoli come in a can?
Can you slam a revolving door?
How young can you be, but still die of old age?
What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?
Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?
What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?
Can you read a picture book?
Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?
Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!
If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?
if you''re on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19?
What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8?
What shape is the sky?
If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead?
Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?
If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?
If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?
What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?
Why is it called the People''s Republic Of China when China''s not a republic?
Why are dandelions considered weeds when daisies are considered flowers?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
Whenever an adult is kidnapped why isn''t it called adultnapped??
Why do blacklights look purple?
Did Yankee Doodle name the feather, hat, town, or his pony Macaroni?
Why is it that people duck in the rain, do they really think the rain won''t hit them?
How come the Bible is the most stolen book, and one of the ten commandments is "thou shall not steal"?
Why isn''t the caps lock capitalized?
If there''s a hole straight through the earth, from the south pole to the north pole, and you jump through it what would happen? would you keep falling forever, or fall back down when you get to the middle, or is it physically impossible?
If someone with a nostril ring takes it out, then blows their nose, do they have to cover that hole as well as their nostril holes so that snot doesn’t blow out everywhere?

Isn''t it weird that if you rearrange the word "teacher" you get "cheater"?
How come whenever you start to sing, you automatically sing in a higher voice than you talk?
How come people say they ate the last piece of gum, when they really just chew it?
If a pope goes to the bathroom, is it considered holy crap?
You know the saying "throw ya hands in the air like ya don''t care"? why bother doing that if you don''t care?
Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple?
If "Fantasy Island" really granted wishes, why wasn''t Tattoo 6''6" ?
Why do water bottles have a "best if used by" date?
If you called the police station to talk to an officer and he was not there, would that be considered a cop out?
Can bald people get a hair line fracture?
Why do they put holes in crackers?
How come on TV the bell always rings and then the kids go to class, but in real life you need to be in class before the bell rings?
Why can the saying "it''s all downhill from here." mean both that it will be easy and that it is going to get worse?
If all of ACME''s products backfire, why does Wile E. Coyote keep buying them?
Why do "cool" and "hot" mean the same thing?
If you sneeze and fart at the same time, does a vacuum form in your stomach?
Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread?
Does a baby feel the umbilical cord being cut off?
Is it legal to name your kid "Anonymous"?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
If you have a pet with 2 heads do you have to name both heads?
Why can''t liquor freeze?
If you dig a hole in the south pole are you digging up or down?
How come they don''t add the time that we are in our mom''s to our age?
Why do people squint their eyes when they can''t see? Wouldn''t that just make it less space to see out of?
What is a hacky, and why is it in a sack?
Who was in the kitchen with Dina?
Why do we have to pay a toll on "freeways"?
Why do they call them pepperoni if there is no pepper in it?
How old does something have to be to become an antique?
Can a school teacher give a homeless child homework?
Why do they say "an alarm going off," if it is really going on?
Do babies produce more spit than adults?
How come French fries are not considered a vegetable, they are just deep fried potatoes?
Do cows have calf muscles?
Why is shampoo clear but conditioner not?
If conjoined twins participate in sports, do they count as one or two players?
If a singer sings their own song during a karaoke party, is it considered karaoke?
Why do mattresses have designs on them when they''re always covered with sheets?
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot?
Can someone have their head in the clouds and be down-to-earth at the same time?
Why is Joey short for Joe, when Joey has more letters?
If you were a pastor, and you were getting married, would you hire a pastor, or would you do the wedding yourself?
Is there a certain temperature at which it stops being qualified as cold? At what temperature does it qualify as hot?
Why is most lunchmeat bigger than the bread?
Why is it that whenever you sing to the radio, your voice is higher? Even when you have a low voice?
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can''t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why isn''t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why isn''t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why isn''t "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Don''t you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
Why is it that when you''re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it''s ajar, but when a jar is open it''s not adoor?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it called ''after dark'', when it is really after light?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is a women''s prison called a penal colony?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why don''t you ever see baby pigeons?
Why don''t you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why doesn''t "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren''t we clean when we use them?
Why do we sing ''Take me out to the ball game'', when we are already there?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do ''tug''boats push their barges?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How can there be "self help GROUPS"?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV''s as 4''s?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog''s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Did Adam and Eve have navels?
Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Aren''t all generalizations false?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?
If you lived in Siberia and you wronged the Russians government, where would they send you?
How can military troops be deployed if they have never been ployed to begin with?
What should one call a male ladybird?
What would you use to dilute water?
How come overtones and undertones are the same thing?
If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn''t usually wear any pants?
If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?
I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?
Why are turds pinched off at the end?
What would Cheese say if they got their picture taken?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
If you''re in hell, and are mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to?
How does Santa get into a house that doesn''t have a chimney?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?
Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?
Why did they name that underwear company fruit of the loom?
Is Disney world the only people trap operated by a mouse?
How can something be new and improved? if it''s new, what was it improving on?
Why is it good to be a Daddy''s girl, but bad to be a Momma''s boy?
why do you get on a bus and a train but get into a car?
If the speed of movement is slower than the speed of light - how fast is a moving light?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts, but have to put in your two cents worth?
If you fed a bee nothing but oranges, would it start making marmalade?
Why is it that when a person tells you there''s over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there''s wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?
How come thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?
Is a hot car cool or is a cool car hot?
Is a man full of wonder a wonderful man?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
How can you hear yourself think?
How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?
If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?
What''s the difference between a wise man and a wise guy?
What would happen if an Irresistible Force met an Immovable Object?
Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?
What if the hokey-pokey really is what it''s all about?
Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn''t it be leaving a dump?
What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?
Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?
Why do we leave expensive cars in the driveway, when we keep worthless junk in the garage?
Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?
Aren''t you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don''t know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
If when people freak out they are said to be "having a cow", when cows freak out are they said to be "having a person?"
Why is it called lipstick when it always comes off?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn''t they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren''t we all masochist?
If Wile Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn''t he just buy dinner?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn''t work anymore?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can''t go that fast on any road?
Why doesn''t Tarzan have a beard?
Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?
Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?
If there''s an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Can blind people see their dreams?
Where does the white go when the snow melts?
What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can''t stop" why do they come with a reseal able lid?
Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?
Did they have antiques in the olden days?
Why are pennies bigger than dimes?
If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?
How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?
Why do they call it a black light when it''s really purple?
Why is the blackboard green?
On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren''t even in the word?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They''re both dogs!
If you try to fail and succeed, what did you just do?
Is the opposite of "out of whack" "in whack"
Why are toe nail clippers bigger than finger nail clippers when your toe nails are smaller than your finger nails?
If Practice makes perfect, and nobody''s perfect, then why practice?
What''s the opposite of opposite?
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
Why is it when your almost dead your on deaths doorstep, but when your actually dead your not in deaths house?
Do sore thumbs really stick out?
If you accidentally ate your own tongue, what would it taste like?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn''t it be called an inlet.
Why is an elevator still called an elevator even when its going down?
Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?
Why do birds have white poop?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do people never say "it''s only a game" when they''re winning?
Why is it called eggplant, when there''s no egg in it?
Why is it called pineapple, when''s there neither pine nor apple in it?
Why are boxing rings square?
If somebody vanished without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up "there" anyway?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don''t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why do people say "You scared the living daylights out of me" when daylight is not living?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
Do mimes watch silent movies?
Does peanut butter really have butter in it?
Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?
Why doesn''t a chicken egg taste like chicken?
If the professor on Giligan''s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can''t he fix a hole in a boat?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
Does a postman deliver his own mail?
If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?
Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
What do people in China call their good plates?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I''ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why can magicians make things disappear into thin air, but not thick air?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
If you stole a pen from a bank then would it still be considered a bank robbery?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
Why are they called goose bumps? Do geese get people bumps?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Do vampires get AIDS?
Why are SOFTballs hard?
If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound ?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you have to stop?
In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?
If a transport truck carrying a load of cars gets into a car accident, does it increase the number of the cars in the pile-up?
Why can''t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
What do you call a female daddy long legs?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
Don''t you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.
Isn''t it kind of ominous to put your tax returns in the mail box and put up the little red flag?
Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains neither grapes, nor nuts?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
If Dracula has no reflection, how comes he always had such a straight parting in his hair?
Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?
Does the President have to pay taxes?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
If you wore a teflon suit, could you ever end up in a sticky situation?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
What is a male ladybug called?
Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out??
If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
Can a guy named Nick have a ''nick''name?
Do cows drink milk?
How come some Little Debbie snack cakes come in a twin pack and others are wrapped individually?
Why is it called football when you hardly use your feet?
Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?
How did the headless horseman know where he was going?
If it''s zero degrees outside today and it''s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?
Why would superman want to leap over the tallest building in a single bound if he can fly?
How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?
If someone can''t see, they''re blind and if someone cant hear, they''re deaf, so what do you call people who can''t smell?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
Can a hearse driver drive a corpse in the Car Pool lane?
Why do they call it "head over heels in love" If our head is always over our heels?
Why do they call them guidance counselors when all counselors do is offer guidance?
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
How come no matter what color the liquid is the froth is always white?
Why do they call it your "bottom", when it''s really in the middle of your body?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren''t you being judgmental yourself?
Why do they call it a RUNNING BACK when he is running forward?
Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?
Why is it we have the weight of the world on our shoulders but have to get it off our chests?
If you decide that you''re indecisive, which one are you?
If an anarchist group attained political power, would they by principle have to dissolve their own government?
If Luke took a bath, would the water be lukewarm?
Why doesn''t the glue in the bottle dry up?
Why do the call the angel of death an angel if all it does is bring pain and suffering?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
Can blind people be dyslexic when they read Braille?
Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?
Why is it you can walk down a road, even if it goes uphill?
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
If you''re caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?
Do the different "M&M''s"® colors taste different?
Why don''t you hear thunder with heat lightning?
Why do donuts have holes?
Why can''t you eat pancakes for dinner?
Why do we feel blue? and what color does a smurf feel when they are down?
what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?
What does OK actually mean?
If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Why are things typed up but written down?
Why do old men have hair in their ears?
Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they''re cookies?
Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?
If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn''t you see through everything and actually see nothing?
nearby town, do you have to pay for the property damage?
If you own a piece of land and there is an volcano on it and it ruins a
If a water spins clockwise when it drains in the northern hemisphere, and water spins counterclockwise when it drains in the southern hemisphere...which way does it spin at the equator?
Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You''d get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for?
If you had x-ray vision, but closed your eyes, could you still see?
What do you say when someone says you''re in denial, but you''re not?
Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Do birds pee?
If you are born on February 29 of a leap year, when is your birthday?
When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady''s husband be called if she were elected president?
Can dogs have dog days?
Why does blow and suck mean the same thing when we describe something being crap?
Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a "time" clock? Aren''t all clocks "time" clocks?
Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?
Why did Superman wear his briefs on the outside of his tights?
Why do people say heads up when you should duck?
Why do radio operators say "niner" instead of just "nine"?
Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?
Do pigs pull ham strings?
On a telephone, why does ABC start on the number 2 and not 1?
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
Isn''t it scary that the word "therapist" is the same as the words "the" and "rapist" put together?
Why do people, such as S.W.A.T or Seals wear the bulletproof vests where you can see them? Wouldn’t people aim for their head or crotch?
How come, in the Mini Wheat’s commercials, Sweets has a Brooklyn accent and Wheat’s has an English accent? They''re attached at the back, wouldn''t they have been raised in the same place?
Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza?
If our planet is inhabited with creatures made by God...is it possible that there''s another planet inhabited with creatures made by the Devil?
If a table is propped up can it be propped down?
If shampoo comes in so many colors, why is the lather on your head always white?
Is an alcoholic just a drunk that''s scared of a hangover?
Seeing as cupid is so good at matchmaking, does he have a girlfriend?
If the police see some one committing a crime but are on there way to investigate a crime do they stop or go to the one they were on their way to?
What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Can''t anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?
Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
When you snap your fingers, does the sound occur when your middle finger releases from your thumb, or when your middle finger hits the palm of your hand?
If Sunday is the holy day of rest why do we have to get up early for church?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
If the weather man says "it''s a 50% chance of rain" does that mean he has no idea if its going to rain or not?
If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?
If someone crashes his or her car on purpose, why is it still a car accident?
If you died on the International Dateline, and half of you were on 1 side and the other half on the other side, what day would you die?
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
What would happen if: Everyone was to flush their toilet at the same time?
If I raise the volume on my radio, does it use more electricity?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river" come second (Mississippi River)?
Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?
If people say if you eat dessert before dinner it will ruin your appetite won’t eating dinner before dessert ruin your appetite for dessert?
When lightning strikes the ocean why don''t all the fish die?
How come wine and hard liquor doesn''t come in cans, but beer does?
Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?
Why do birds bob their heads when they walk?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
Why do police officers wear tight clothes and dressy shoes? wouldn''t that make them slower when chasing someone?
Why are blue Christmas lights so popular? Aren''t red and green the traditional colors?
If a criminal turns himself in shouldn''t he get the reward money?
Why do we have to wait till the water starts boiling before we can put pasta into the water?
If we had a president that was a woman, would her husband be the first man?
Why is the St. Louis baseball team the cardinals, but the Missouri state bird is the blue bird
Why do people who don’t want to go to hell bury themselves 6 ft. closer?
Do you ever notice those red balls on the wires while your driving? Well what are they for?
Do people with big eyes see at a wider range than people with smaller eyes?
Why is it illegal to put money in other people''s parking meters?
If you took a compass to outer space would it still point "magnetic north"? Is there still a north, south, east, and west in space?
What happens when you say “hi” to your friend on an airplane who''s name is Jack?
Why are women and men''s shoe sizes different?
Can a person choke and die on a life savor?
When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what’s the difference?
Why isn''t the word ''gullible'' in the dictionary?
If you are parking somewhere and the signs in front of the parked cars say "30 minutes" then when your 30 minutes are up can you park in the spot right next to you??
When a car is for sale and it has a balloon on it, does the balloon come with it?
Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
If marriage means you fell in love, does divorce mean you climbed out?
If you were born exactly on 12:00 midnight on December 31st – January 1st, which year would you say you were born in?
Why are there pictures of the sun wearing sunglasses when the purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the sun?
Does it really count in court when an atheist is sworn in under oath using a Bible?
Why are there black lines on a basketball?
How do they get the air inside the bubble wrap?
Can crop circles be square?
Can you blow a balloon up under water?
Why is it that when we are humming and then we plug our nose, our humming stops? Do people really hum through their nose, or their mouths?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Can you write in pencil on an eraser?
Why do people say, "you''ve been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
Can a blind man see his future?
If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?
If lava melts rock, wouldn’t the lava melt the volcano?
If CD’s were spun in the opposite direction, would it say everything backwards?
What did cured ham actually have?
Why is there a size 12-14, 14-16, 16-18, and so forth, but no 13, 15, and 17?
Why is it when we duck they call us chicken?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why would Dodge make a car called Ram?
Can someone give up lent for lent?
What do vegetarians feed their dogs?
How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it''s illegal to keep them as a pet?
Once you''re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
If the day before a holiday is called Christmas Eve, is the day after Christmas Adam?
Do stuttering people stutter when they''re thinking to themselves?
Can a metal plate in your head get rusted?
Why do dogs walk around in circles before lying down?
Why do most people put more effort into their wedding than their actual marriage?
Why is it that on the back of a medicine bottle it says "adult" is 12 and above, but the adult age in reality is 18?
If the handicapped bathrooms are for people who cant walk why do they put them at the end of the bathrooms ?
If the S.W.A.T team comes to your house and breaks down your door, do they replace it later?
Since there is a rule that states "i" before "e" except after "c", wouldn''t "science" be spelled wrong?
Why do you DELETE something on the computer, but ERASE something on paper?
Why is Christmas colors red and green when Santa''s suit is red and white?
Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?
Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it''s really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it''s only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where''s that extra penny going too ?
Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do?
strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that ?
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from
If all of the Acme stuff doesn''t work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products?
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch? Can you cry under water?
Does Hawaiian Punch come from Hawaii?
Just what was the "Baby On Board" sign for? Did it help us decide which car not to hit in case of an accident?
When a boy is named after his dad, he is called ''Junior,'' but what do you call a girl that is named after her mother?
Do the air bubbles that are created when you fart in water, smell when they pop?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he''s a monkey?
If money doesn''t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
If you went back in time and killed your mother would you disappear the moment you killed her?
Who gets to keep the pennies in a wishing well?
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America''s problems?
Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn''t be more fun to eat a big one?
Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number?
Is sign language the same in languages other than English?
If you die and you have a broken leg do they take the cast off?
Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
Why is it that when babies are born they only weigh like 7 lbs yet the mom weighs 30 lbs more?
When something''s funny why is it called a "knee-slapper" when you actually slap your thigh?
Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
How come only car keys are the only keys with teeth on both sides?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don''t take off the price if you get something taken off?
If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver''s license?
Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?
Why is snow white and ice clear? Aren''t they just different forms of water?
Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
How come popcorn isn''t a vegetable?
Can bald men get lice??
Why do people say, "You can''t have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can''t eat it?
Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?
Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?
If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
Why aren''t safety pins as safe as they say they are?
What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?
Why are Pringles curved?
If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
Why can’t a baby cry while it’s inside its mother?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can''t we run outside naked?
Which way does a compass point in space?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Why is a square meal served on round plates?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you''re standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn''t you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
You know the expression, "Don''t quit your day job?" Well what do you say to people that work nights?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been free?
Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?
If your sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why can''t you get a tan on your palms?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why doos shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why isn''t chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
If heat rises, then shouldn''t hell be cold?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Can mute people burp?
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Isn''t it funny how the word ''politics'' is made up of the words ''poli'' meaning ''many'' in Latin, and ''tics'' as in ''bloodsucking creatures’?
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don''t they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
Wouldn''t it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
How come we say ''It''s colder than hell outside'' when isn''t it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
In that song, she''ll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why don''t the hairs on your arms get split ends?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Isn''t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I''m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I''ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
Are marbles made of marble?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?
Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Aren''t the ''good things that come to those who wait'' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
When French people swear do they say pardon my English?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
Are children who act in rated ''R'' movies allowed to see them?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
their name to Knockers?
If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change
Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?
When people say, "I’m so tired it''s not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it''s not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?
Do stairs go up or down?
Why do bullies always ask "what’s your problem" when they''re obviously not going to solve it?
Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?
Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?
If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities they are put in an mental hospital, but when a child has imaginary friends it''s cute?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don''t shine " on a nude beach?
How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes?
If someone''s peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?
Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?
Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?
Can a person with no ears wear glasses?
If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?
If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste chocolaty?
What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you wishes?
Why doesn''t baking soda freeze?
Do bald people get dandruff?
Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing?
"What was Captian Hook''s name before he had a hook for a hand?"
If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?
When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?
How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?
Whats a question with no answer called?
Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?
Are there pink lemons that make pink lemonade?
Doesn''t a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
How come lotion is colored, but when you put it on, it doesn''t turn your skin that color?
Are tomatoes fruits or vegetables?
Isn''t it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of explosives, a lighter, and say have fun?
How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don''t lay eggs.
Why is there a little countdown (like 8, 7, 6, 5, 4) near the bottom of the copyright info page in the beginning of many books?
If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it?
Why do cats like to dig their paws into something before they lay down on it?
When an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court do they have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don''t believe in God?
Is it possible to be allergic to water?
What is the point in saying "may I ask" and then follow it up with a question?
Why is there never a full English dinner or tea but there is always a full English breakfast?
Why don''t they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn''t it be better than root beer floats?
If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness worse than a general illness?
If a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies before he can run around the bases, does the home run count?
Can a unborn baby fart or burp?
Why does jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the scent virtually disappears?
Why is it called a soap opera when nobody sings?
If French kissing is a big thing in America, how do French people react to normal American kissing?
Can you "zone out" and be "in the zone" at the same time?
Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
Is the vice president''s wife called the second lady?
If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
If your eyes are crossed, do your tears fall straight?
Why do child labor laws not prohibit children from acting in movies?
If a vampire were Jewish would his Sabbath start at sunrise?
Why do people say "The alarm just went off" when really it just came on?
Do they put underwear on corpses?
Do bubbles freeze in winter?
What sound does a bunny make?
If you had only one hand, would second hand smoking effect you?
Do suicide hotlines have hold?
Have you ever wondered why in the 1500''s nude photos/painting were art, while today it''s pornography?
If you are old and are in a bathtub how would you know if you have been in there too long?
If you can see your breath outide on a cold day, could you see your fart?
If you wear contact lens and you died with them in your eyes, do they take them out?


  •  

    Q: Why are all jokes about  blondes so short?

  •  
  •  

    A: So that blondes can  understand them.

     
  •  

    Q: Why did the blond climb  over the glass wall?

  •  
  •  

    A: To see what was on the  other side.

     
  •  

    Q: How do you drown a blonde?

  •  
  •  

    A: Put a scratch-''n-sniff  sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.

     
  •  

    Q: How do you confuse a  blonde?

  •  
  •  

    A: There are millions of  ways. One way is to tell her to stand in the corner of a circular room.

  •  
  •  

    Comeback:

       
    •  

      Q: How does the blond  confuse you?

    •  
    •  

      A: Comes out of the  circular room, saying she found the corner.

    •  
     
     
  •  

    Q: Why did the blonde stare  at the carton of orange juice?

  •  
  •  

    A: Because it said  ''concentrate'' on it.

     
  •  

    Q: How do you know a blonde''s  been using the computer?

  •  
  •  

    A: There''s White-Out all over  the screen.

  •  
  •  

    Follow-Up:

       
    •  

      Q: How can you tell she  came back?

    •  
    •  

      A: Ink on the White-Out.

    •  
     
  •  

    UK Variant

       
    •  

      Q: How do you know a  blonde''s been using the computer?

    •  
    •  

      A: There''s Tipp-Ex all  over the screen.

    •  
    •  

      Follow-Up Q: How can you  tell she came back?

    •  
    •  

      A: Ink on the Tipp-Ex.

    •  
     
     
  •  

    Q: How can you tell when a  blonde is wearing pantyhose?

  •  
  •  

    A: When she farts, her ankles  swell.

     
  •  

    Q: How do you get a one-armed  blonde out of a tree?

  •  
  •  

    A: Wave to her.

     
  •  

    Q: How do you make a blonde  laugh on Monday morning?

  •  
  •  

    A: Tell her a joke on Friday  night.

     
  •  

    Q: If you drop a blonde and a  brunette from 100 ft, which hits the ground first?

  •  
  •  

    A: The brunette, because the  blonde has to ask directions on the way down.

  •  
     
  •  

    Q: What did the blonde get on  her IQ test?

  •  
  •  

    A: Saliva.

     
  •  

    Q: What do you call 20  blondes in a freezer?

  •  
  •  

    A: Frosted Flakes.

     
  •  

    Q: What do you call a blonde  with ESP and PMS?

  •  
  •  

    A: A know-it-all bitch.

     
  •  

    Q: What do you call an  eternity?

  •  
  •  

    A: Four blondes in four cars  at a four way stop.

     
  •  

    Q: What do you do when a  blonde throws a pin at you?

  •  
  •  

    A: RUN LIKE HELL... she''s got  a hand grenade in her mouth.

     
  •  

    Q: What do you give the  blonde who has everything?

  •  
  •  

    A: Penicillin.

     
  •  

    Q: What does the postcard  from a blonde''s vacation say?

  •  
  •  

    A: Having a wonderful time.  Where am I?

     
  •  

    Q: What is every blonde''s  ambition in life?

  •  
  •  

    A: To be like Vanna White and  learn the alphabet.

     
  •  

    Q: What is it called when a  blonde blows in another blonde''s ear?

  •  
  •  

    A: Data transfer.

     
  •  

    Q: What do you get when you  line up 20 blondes side-by-side and blow in the first one''s ear?

  •  
  •  

    A: A wind tunnel.

     
  •  

    Q: What is the difference  between a dead blonde in the road, and a dead skunk in the road?

  •  
  •  

    A: There are skid marks in  front of the skunk.

     
  •  

    Q: What''s brown and red and  black and blue?

  •  
  •  

    A: A brunette who''s told one  too many blonde jokes.

     
  •  

    Q: What''s the difference  between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?

  •  
  •  

    A: Lipstick.

     
  •  

    Q: Why did the blonde snort  Nutra-Sweet?

  •  
  •  

    A: She thought it was diet  coke.

     
  •  

    Q: What is the meaning of  impossible?

  •  
  •  

    A: A blonde with an IQ of  200.

     
  •  

    Q: How does a blonde turn on  the light after sex?

  •  
  •  

    A: She opens the car door.

     
  •  

    Q: What is the first thing a  blonde does in the morning?

  •  
  •  

    A: Introduces herself.

     
  •  

    Q: What did the blonde say  when she saw a bowl of Cheerios?

  •  
  •  

    A: Ooh! Donut seeds!

     
  •  

    Q: Why did the blonde get  fired from the M&M factory?

  •  
  •  

    A: She threw away all the  W''s.

     
  •  

    Q: What did the blonde say  when her boyfriend blew in her ear?

  •  
  •  

    A: "Thanks for the refill!"

     
  •  

    Q: How many blonde jokes are  there?

  •  
  •  

    A: Only one, the rest are all  true!

     
  •  

    Q: What do you call a smart  blonde?

  •  
  •  

    A: A golden retriever.

     
  •  

    Q: What do you call an upside  down blonde with a runny nose?

  •  
  •  

    A: Full.

     
  •  

    Q: What do you call a blonde  that has dyed her hair brown?

  •  
  •  

    A: Artificial Intelligence

     
  •  

    Q: What do you call a  brunette and three blondes on a street corner?

  •  
  •  

    A: Regular Price, Four bucks,  Four bucks, Four bucks.

     
  •  

    Q: What do you get when you  turn a bleach blonde upside down?

  •  
  •  

    A: A brunette with bad  breath.

     
  •  

    Q: How do you keep a blonde  in suspense?

  •  
  •  

    A: I''ll tell you tomorrow.

 

     
  •  A blonde walks  into a bar... Ouch.
     
  •  A brunette  tells a blond to go change the light bulb in the basement. A few minutes  latter the blond comes back and tells the brunette that she could not do it.  When the brunette asks why the blond says "because the light wouldn''t turn  on".
     
  •  Two blondes  sit on a park bench at night. One looks up and says, "What''s closer, the  Moon or Florida?" The other one looks over and says, "Duh, can you see  Florida?"
     
  •  A brunette and  a blond are in the woods. Suddenly the brunette trips over a rock and  sprains her ankle. She yells to the blond, "Call 911!" The blond goes away  and isn''t back for a while. When the blond returns, the brunette says, "What  took you so long??" The blond says, "I couldn''t find the 11 on my cell  phone!"
     
  •  A blonde is  jogging down the road and sees another blonde in a rowboat in the middle of  a dirt field. The jogging blonde yells to the rower, "Because of stupid  blondes like you, the rest of us look stupid. If I could swim, I would swim  over there and kick your ass!"
     
  •  A blonde walks  into a beauty shop with a pair of headphones on. She asks for a haircut. The  blonde is led to a chair and asked to sit down. The woman who is about to  cut the blonde''s hair asks her to take the headphones off. The blonde does,  and a few minutes later she passes out. The surprised shop worker picks up  the headphones and hears a little voice saying, "Breathe in, breathe out,  breathe in, breathe out...".
     
  •  4,000 blondes  pack the auditorium for the first annual Blondes Are Smart competition. A  blonde is chosen from the audience to come on stage and answer a question to  prove that blondes aren''t dumb. The emcee asks "What is 2 plus 2?" The  blonde thinks for a moment and answers "Seven." The emcee shakes his head  and the audience begins chanting "Give her another chance! Give her another  chance!" The emcee asks again, "What is 2 plus 2?" The blonde concentrates  for five minutes and finally answers "Five." The emcee shakes his head and  the audience begins chanting "Give her another chance! Give her another  chance!" The emcee asks once again "What is 2 + 2?" The blonde screws up her  face in thought, scratches her head, and finally answers "Four?" The  audience begins chanting "Give her another chance..."
     
  •  A blonde walks  into an appliance store and up to the shop assistant. She points to one on  the shelf and said, "I''ll have that TV." The shop assistant replied, "Sorry,  we don''t serve blondes." And the blonde has to walk out of the store. The  next day, she then dyes her hair brown and walks back into the appliance  store. Again, she goes, "I''ll have that TV." And the shop assistant replies,  "Sorry, we don''t serve blondes." She walks out, once again, frustrated. She  figures, now, that the shop assistant obviously recognized her face from  last time, and she goes to have surgery on her face. She waits four weeks,  just to be sure, before walking back into the appliance store. Once more,  she says, "I''ll have that TV." And the shop assistant replies, "Sorry, we  don''t serve blondes." The blonde now finally gives up and asks, "How the  hell do you know I''m a blonde?!" The shop assistant replied, "Lady, that''s a  microwave."
     
  •  A blonde and a  brunette are walking along a road. Suddenly the brunette gasps. "Look, a  dead bird!" The blonde looks up. "Where?"
     
  •  Three blonde  friends are walking down the road. One finds a bottle and opens it. A genie  flies out and says, "I will give you each ONE wish."
 
 The first  says, "I want to be 100% smarter." POOF! She turns into a brunette. 
 
 The second  says, "I want to be 50% smarter." POOF! She turns into a redhead. 
 
 Then the third  says, "I want to be 100% smarter than both of my friends." POOF! She turns  into a guy.
     
  •  Alternate  ending: Then the third says, "I want to 100% dumber." POOF! She turns into a  guy.
     
  •  A married  couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife  (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How  should I know, that''s 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
 
 The husband  said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don''t know, some woman wanting to  know if the coast is clear."
     
  •  A blonde was  driving down the freeway when she received a call on her cell phone. "Be  careful", the person on the other end said, "there''s a car driving the wrong  way on your road!" The blonde replied, "I know--heck, there''s HUNDREDS of  them!"
     
  •  A brunette, a  redhead, and a blonde decide to go for an expedition in the desert. The  brunette brings water and the redhead brings food. They see the blonde  coming and she is dragging something behind her. When she reaches them they  see that it is a car door. They ask, "Why did you bring that?" The blonde''s  reply is, "So I can roll down the window in case I get hot."
 
 Variation: The  blonde''s reply is, "So I can roll up the window in case it starts to rain."
     
  •  A blonde in  Dallas was on an airplane bound for Los Angeles. The blonde was sitting in  the middle of the plane, but she decided to move to an empty first class  seat. A few minutes later, the steward walked by and saw the blond. The  steward said: "Ma''am, this isn''t your seat. Please go back to your seat."  The blonde replied: "I don''t want to go back to my seat. This one''s more  comfortable." The stewart came back with the copilot a few minutes later.  She had told the copilot what had just happened. The copilot said to the  blonde: "Ma''am, please go back to your seat." The blonde replied: "I don''t  want to go back to my seat. This one''s more comfortable." The steward and  the copilot then went to the captain. When the captain heard about the  blonde, he said: "I know how to handle this." The captain walked over to the  blonde. He whispered something in her ear, and then she walked back to her  seat. The steward and copilot then asked the captain: "What did you say to  her?" He replied: "I just told her that the first class seats will take her  to New York City instead of Los Angeles."
     
  •  A blonde gets  locked out of her car. She thinks what to do for a while and decides that  she should find a piece of wire and catch the latch (as the window wasn ''t  completely shut). She looks around and sees a gas station some 200 meters  away. She rushes there and explains her situation to the brunette employee  who gives her a piece of wire. The blonde rushes back to the car, followed  (at a distance) by the employee who can not believe in her eyes and ears.  When the later arrives at the car the blonde has already passed the wire  through the window while another blonde is sitting in the car telling her:  "A bit to the right, a bit to the right".
     
  •  Two blondes  are sitting high on a tree branch; the one closer to the trunk is holding a  saw and is busy cutting the branch. An old lady passes by and yells at  them :"Be careful, you will fall !". The blondes laugh at her. The old lady  leaves and after a while the blondes fall. A couple of weeks later the  blondes are sitting on a bench wrapped in bandages. The old lady passes by.  One of the blondes shoves the other and tells her : "Look ! The fortune  teller !".
     
  •  A blonde is  driving through a remote country town when suddenly her car breaks down.  Distraught, she wanders down the highway until she comes to a petrol  station, in which a lone attendant stands. She tells him of her situation,  and asks if she can call her boyfriend to come pick her up. The attendant  sees that he can take advantage of the situation, and leers suggestively at  her, "Sure, but first you gotta do something for me." He  leads her to the toilets at the back, drops his pants and tells her to kneel  before him, saying, "Alright now, you know what to do." The blonde puts her  mouth to his penis and says, "Hello?"
  •  
  •  Two blondes  are walking in a forest, they spot a pair of tracks. One suggests they''re  bear tracks, while the other says that they a fox tracks. Then they get hit  by a train

Yo Mama is sooooo fat...

     
  • ... that when she sings, it''s over.
  •  
  • ... she was vacationing in Jamaica and her continuous  farts resulted in Hurricane Katrina.
  •  
  • ... she''s got her own area code.
  •  
  • ... when your parents have sex, your dad says "I''m going  in!"
  •  
  • ... whenever she goes to the theatre, it''s a private  screening.
  •  
  • ... she went swimming in the Sea of Japan and came back  with a harpoon stuck up her ass.
  •  
  • ... they changed ''one size fits all'' to ''one size fits  most''.
  •  
  • ... all the chairs in the house have their own seatbelts.
  •  
  • ... even her clothes have stretch marks!
  •  
  • ... folks exercise by jogging around her!
  •  
  • ... her ass has its own congressman.
  •  
  • ... the horse on her polo shirt is real.
  •  
  • ... her belt size is "Equator."
  •  
  • ... her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
  •  
  • ... her driver''s license says, "Picture continued on  other side."
  •  
  • ... her high school graduation picture was an aerial  photograph.
  •  
  • ... her nickname is "DAMN!"
  •  
  • ... I had to take a train and two buses just to get on  her good side.
  •  
  • ... NASA is gonna use her to plug up the hole in the  ozone layer.
  •  
  • ... she broke her leg and gravy poured out!
  •  
  • ... she deep-fries her toothpaste.
  •  
  • ... she eats dessert out of a trash can lid.
  •  
  • ... she fell in love and broke it!
  •  
  • ... she fell into the Grand Canyon ... and got stuck!
  •  
  • ... she got a new gig at the cinema ... she works as the  screen.
  •  
  • ... she got baptized at Sea World.
  •  
  • ... she has to iron her pants on the driveway!  
  • ... she has a run in her blue-jeans!
  •  
  • ... she has TB ... two bellies.
  •  
  • ... she has to buy two airline tickets.
  •  
  • ... she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
  •  
  • ... she influences the tides.
  •  
  • ... she jumped up in the air she got stuck!
  •  
  • ... when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
  •  
  • ... she lost a game at hide-and-seek only ''cos I spotted  her ... behind Mount Everest.
  •  
  • ... she make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic.
  •  
  • ... she make Kiko the Whale look like a Smartie.  
  • ... she make Olympic sumo wrestlers look anorexic.  
  • ... she nearly put Safeway out of business.
  •  
  • ... she needs a map to find her butt.
  •  
  • ... she has more chins than a Hong Kong phonebook.  
  • ... she once went on a seafood diet... Whenever she see  food, she ate it!
  •  
  • ... she prays at Church''s Chicken.
  •  
  • ... she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
  •  
  • ... she rolled over on four quarters and it made a  dollar!
  •  
  • ... she sat on a Nintendo Game Cube and it turned into 4  Game Boys.
  •  
  • ... she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
  •  
  • ... she shows up on radar.
  •  
  • ... she steps on a scale and it says, "One at a time,  please".
  •  
  • ... she used I-75 as a Slip ''N Slide.
  •  
  • ... she uses a mattress for a Maxipad.
  •  
  • ... she uses a paint roller to put on her lipstick.
  •  
  • ... she was in the Daily Record last week on page 5, 6,  7, 8, and 9.
  •  
  • ... she was measured at 38-26-36, and that was just the  left arm.
  •  
  • ... she wears an asteroid belt.
  •  
  • ... she has more rolls than a bakery.
  •  
  • ... she carries a refrigerator as a lunchbox.  
  • ... when she wears a Malcolm X t-shirt, helicopters try  to land on her.
  •  
  • ... she''s got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
  •  
  • ... she''s on both sides of the family!
  •  
  • ... she''s once, twice, three times a lady.
  •  
  • ... smaller fat women orbit around her.
  •  
  • ... stunt agencies use her as an air mattress.  
  • ... not even Bill Gates can pay for her liposuction.
  •  
  • ... that God created her and on the seventh day rested.
  •  
  • ... that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of  gas.
  •  
  • ... that when she goes outside in high heels, she strikes  oil.
  •  
  • ... the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
  •  
  • ... the circus uses her as a trampoline.
  •  
  • ... the only thing that''s attracted to her is gravity.
  •  
  • ... the shadow of her ass weighs 100 pounds.
  •  
  • ... they had to grease a door frame and hold a twinkie on  the other side to get her through.
  •  
  • ... they have to grease the bathtub to get her out!
  •  
  • ... they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee  jumping.
  •  
  • ... when God said, "Let there be light," he told her to  move her fat ass out of the way.
  •  
  • ... when her beeper goes off, people think she''s backin  up.
  •  
  • ... when I tell her to haul ass, she gotta make four  trips.
  •  
  • ... when I yell "Hey, Kool-Aid!" she comes crashing  through the wall.
  •  
  • ... when she bends over, we enter Daylight Savings Time.
  •  
  • ... when she dances she makes the band skip.
  •  
  • ... when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying  to get up again.
  •  
  • ... when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her  peanuts.
  •  
  • ... when she opens the ''fridge it says, "I give up ..."
  •  
  • ... when she steps on the scales it says, "To be  continued..."
  •  
  • ... when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th.
  •  
  • ... when she told me her weight, I thought it was her  phone number.
  •  
  • ... when she was diagnosed with the flesh-eating disease  the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
  •  
  • ... when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"
  •  
  • ... when she walks backwards you can hear her ass go  "beep, beep, beep."
  •  
  • ... when she steps on the scales it says, "Next axle."
  •  
  • ... when she went for a swim in the ocean she caused a  60-foot tidal wave.
  •  
  • ... she eats Cap''n Crunch out of a satellite dish.  
  • ... when she sits around the house, she sits around  the house.
  •  
  • ... When she walks down the street in a raincoat, all the  kids say "Dang, I missed the bus!"
  •  
  • ... she went to the movies and sat next to everybody.
  •  
  • ... when she goes to a restaurant, they don''t give her a  menu, they give her an estimate.
  •  
  • ... when she goes to a restaurant, she just reads the  menu and says "Okay!"
  •  
  • ... her favorite food is seconds.
  •  
  • ... she eats Wheat Thicks.
  •  
  • ... your daddy has to roll over twice to get off of her.
  •  
  • ... she sat on a rainbow and Skittles started pouring  out.
  •  
  • ... she wakes up in sections.
  •  
  • ... her blood type is Ragu.
  •  
  • ... she''s fat.
  •  
  • ... the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale.  
  • ... burning her fat would solve the energy crisis.  
  • ... she belly flopped in the ocean and caused another  tsunami.
  •  
  • ... she played football, and her team didn''t need the  offensive line anymore.
  •  
  • ... they saw her pull up at Hometown Buffet, and they put  out the "Out of Business" sign.
  •  
  • ... she thought the Jared diet meant eating guys named  Jared.
  •  
  • ... her ass is the grand canyon.
  •  
  • ... when she farts there''s an earthquake.
  •  
  • ... she wakes up with her toes in china and her head in  DC.
  •  
  • ... half her ass is in one time zone and the other half  is in another.
  •  
  • ... as she was crossing the street she said "Go around."  I said I would, but I only got a tank of gas.
  •  
  • ... when she had her first crush in high school, she went  to his funeral an hour later!
  •  
  • ... if her body fat was oil, it would last the human race  for years.
  •  
  • ... when the school bus goes by, she starts running and  yells "Stop that twinkie!"
  •  
  • ... she''s orbited by smaller fat people.
  •  
  • ... she got busted at the airport for having 200 pounds  of crack.
  •  

 

  • ... when she sunbathes, Greenpeace rub her with Lanolin  and try to refloat her in the sea!
  •  
  • ... when she steps onto scales, the dial shoots all the  way round to "Ouch".
  •  
  • ... talking scales scream "Jesus! One at a freaking time,  please!" when she climbs on.
  •  
  • ... when she walked in front of the TV I missed an entire  season of the Simpsons.
  •  
  • ... when she jumped into a lake all the whales came out  and started singing "We are family! Even though you''re fatter than we!"
  •  
  • ... she makes Free Willy look like a tic tac.  
  • ... when she was stranded in the middle of the ocean, the  guy in the crows'' nest of a ship shouted "Land ho!"
  •  
  • ... she weighed herself and it said to be continued
  •  
  • ... she got into Guess jeans and the answer popped out.
  •  
  • ... she should probably see a doctor.
  •  
  • ... when the discussion turns to fat people, her name  comes up.
  •  
  • ... she has to shop at a store that sells "plus" sizes.
  •  
  • ... it''s beginning to have a negative impact on her self  esteem.
  •  
  • ... she has been the subject of a "Yo mama''s so fat" joke  before.
  •  
  • ... she discounts scales as "inaccurate".
  •  
  • ... she requires "special assistance" when boarding an  airplane.
  •  
  • ... she doesn''t like to go to the beach because she is  unsatisfied with her appearance in a bathing suit.
  •  
  • ... her Body Mass Index is higher than one might expect.
  •  
  • ... she has become sensitive about her weight.  
  • ... I erroneously thought she was pregnant when I first  met her but fortunately did not bring it up in our conversation.  
  • ... she is easily winded when climbing stairs.  
  • ... she joined a weight-loss program, but it doesn''t seem  to be helping.
  •  
  • ... she avoids appearing in photographs because she heard  that the camera adds ten pounds, not realizing that this would hardly be  noticed, what with her being so fat and all.
  •  
  • ... people are reluctant to get into elevators with her.
  •  
  • ... she might have a thyroid condition.
  •  
  • ... she finds it challenging to touch her toes.  
  • ... she displaces a considerable amount of water when she  is completely submerged.
  •  
  • ... she believes that she is "big-boned", even though  most of her is clearly not bone.
  •  
  • ... her appearance when riding a bicycle is quite comical  indeed.
  •  
  • ... when she bathes she uses considerably more soap and  water than an average person, and when she gets out she takes longer to dry  herself, partly because of her greater skin area, partly because it is  harder for her to manipulate a towel around her girth, but also partly  because she is actively trying to avoid looking at herself in the mirror,  because although she knows, deep down, that she is overweight, she is in  denial and will not allow herself to visually confirm her obesity.  
  • ... she wears clothes with vertical stripes because she  heard that they have a "slimming" effect.
  •  
  • ... furniture creaks noticeably when she sits upon it.
  •  
  • ... she is frequently mistaken for other fat people.
  •  
  • ... she is especially uncomfortable sitting in the seats  in movie theaters.
  •  
  • ... it isn''t even funny.
  •  
  • ... she is just fat.
  •  
  • ... she weighs 600 pounds.
  •  
  • ... she went to a restaurant and ate everything in the  restaurant and they had to close the restaurant

  • ... she looks like she got Buckwheat in a headlock. 
  •  
  • ... she looks like a Ch-ch-ch-chia pet. 
  •  
  • ... when you were born, you got fucked up the ass 
  •  
  • ... when she went to the zoo they threw her in with the orangutans. 
  •  
  • ... she has to shave with a lawnmower. 
  •  
  • ... her ass look like Don King ''bout to bust out and yell "Only in  America!" 
  •  
  • ... she has afros on her nipples! 
  •  
  • ... I thought she was a Great Dane. 
  •  
  • ... she uses a garden rake to comb her hair. 
  •  
  • ... she makes Bigfoot look naked! 
  •  
  • ... she offends King Kong.

  • ... she has a wooden leg with a kickstand! 
  •  
  • ... she farts dust. 
  •  
  • ... she sat behind Jesus in the 5th grade. 
  •  
  • ... when she was a kid, rainbows were in black-and-white. 
  •  
  • ... she dreams reruns. 
  •  
  • ... her tits squirt powdered milk. 
  •  
  • ... her birth certificate is in hieroglyphics. 
  •  
  • ... she was around when Baskin & Robin''s only had 2 flavors. 
  •  
  • ... her social security number is 1. 
  •  
  • ... I told her to act her age and she died. 
  •  
  • ... she knew Burger King when he was still a prince. 
  •  
  • ... she bussed tables at the Last Supper. 
  •  
  • ... when I told her to act her age, she died. 
  •  
  • ... when she went to school, history class hadn''t been invented yet. 
  •  
  • ... she draws the attention of archeologists. 
  •  
  • ... she went to a museum and king tut woke up and said " ma, is that  you?" 
  •  
  • ... her prom theme was fire. 
  •  
  • ... her high school photo is on a cave wall in France. 
  •  
  • ... her first Christmas was the first Christmas.

  • ... she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning. 
  •  
  • ... when she was lost, her picture was on the bottom of a milk carton! 
  •  
  • ... she went into a haunted house and came out with a job application! 
  •  
  • ... they filmed the movie "Gorillas in the Mist" while she was taking a  shower. 
  •  
  • ... when she was a kid, they had to tie a steak around her neck so the  dog would play with her. 
  •  
  • ... when she was born, the doctor slapped her mama. 
  •  
  • ... the government moved Halloween to her birthday. 
  •  
  • ... she worked at a strip club and they paid her to put her clothes back on
  •  
  • ... when she goes to the bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras. 
  •  
  • ... not even the tide would take her out. 
  •  
  • ... not even Sammy the Bull would take her out. 
  •  
  • ... they had to feed her by remote control! 
  •  
  • ... she could be a modern art masterpiece! 
  •  
  • ... she turned Medusa to stone! 
  •  
  • ... she makes onions cry! 
  •  
  • ... she looked in the mirror and her reflection ducked. 
  •  
  • ... when she fell out the ugly tree she hit every branch on the way  down. 
  •  
  • ... on Halloween her mamma pressed her face in tha dough to make monster  cookies! 
  •  
  • ... she scares away blind people! 
  •  
  • ... when you were born, the midwife slapped her instead of you

  • ... she can''t pay attention. 
  •  
  • ... her front door and her back door are on the same hinge. 
  •  
  • ... the government put her face on food stamps. 
  •  
  • ... she went to McDonald''s and put a hamburger on layaway. 
  •  
  • ... she goes to KFC and licks other peoples'' fingers. 
  •  
  • ... when she orders a large pizza, it only fits halfway into the house. 
  •  
  • ... I saw her with mice behind her singing "We Are Family". 
  •  
  • ... she got married for the rice. 
  •  
  • ... she has to use public transport on drive by shootings. 
  •  
  • ... she buys Domino''s pizza and eats the box as a second meal

  • Yo mama''s so boring that not even her imaginary friends will play with  her. 
  •  
  • Yo mama''s so black she sweats Bosco. 
  •  
  • Yo mama''s so black, she went to night school and got marked absent. 
  •  
  • Yo mama''s so white she thought Malcolm X was Malcolm the 10th. 
  •  
  • Yo mama''s waist size and IQ are the same number! 
  •  
  • Yo mama''s such a ho, her driveway''s got a sign that says "10 minute  parking." 
  •  
  • Yo mama''s such a ho, she has seen more cock ends than weekends 
  •  
  • Yo mama''s such a skank, when Santa Claus said "Ho Ho Ho" she went and  got two of her friends. 
  •  
  • Yo mama''s so nasty, I called her on the phone and got an ear infection. 
  •  
  • Yo mama''s so nasty, she pours salt water down her pants to keep the  crabs fresh. 
  •  
  • Yo mama smells so bad, she made Right Guard turn left. 
  •  
  • Yo mama smells so bad, she used Secret deodorant, and it told on her. 
  •  
  • Yo mama smells so bad, she made Speed Stick slow down. 
  •  
  • Yo mama smells so bad she made deodorant beg for mercy. 
  •  
  • Yo mama''s so flat, she''s jealous of the wall. 
  •  
  • Yo mama is so cross-eyed, she dropped a dime and picked up two nickels. 
  •  
  • Yo mama''s so dirty, she has to sneak up on bath water. 
  •  
  • Yo mama''s so cheap, she pinches a penny and Lincoln gets nosebleed. 
  •  
  • Yo mama''s so dirty the car takes her to the carwash 
  •  
  • Yo mama''s so dirty, Saddam Hussein uses her bathwater for his chemical  weapons 
  •  
  • Yo mama''s such a bitch, when she had you, they were expecting a  puppy
  •  
  • Yo mama''s like a brick, she''s flat on all sides, and gets laid by  Mexicans. 
  •  
  • They''ve created a new Secret add, "strong enough for Yo mama but made  for a woman."

  • Your grandma so fat
     ... the bitch fell down tried to get up and rocked herself to sleep
     
  • Your grandma so fat
     ... that if she was an aeroplane, she''d be a jumbo jet.
  •  
  • Your grandpa so fat
     ... that he''s half Scottish, half Irish, half Polish, and half American.
  •  
  • Your wife so fat
     ... she fell off a boat and the captain yelled, "Land ahoy!!!"
  •  
  • Your priest so fat
     ... when he bungee jumped he went straight to hell...
  •  
  • Your auntie so fat
     ... when she goes to Gap the only thing she can fit into is the dressing  room.
  •  
  • Your bookie so fat
     ... he gotta buy clothes by the furlong.
  •  
  • Your dentist so fat
     ... that when he burped he blew out all your mamma''s teeth...that why she so  ugly!
  •  
  • Your father so fat
     ... when you climb on top of him your ears pop.
  •  
  • You''re so ugly
     ...yo mama had to feed you with a sling shot
  •  
  • Your sister so fat
     ... that even Richard Simmons can''t help laughing.
  •  
  • Your sis so fat
     ... she uses soccer balls for earrings.
  •  
  • Your father so fat
     ... he can''t even tie his own shoelaces.
  •  
  • Your kid sister so fat
     ... the Japanese sumo wrestling squad had to turn her down.
  •  
  • Your Star Trek fan so fat
     ... he make Riker''s beer belly look 2 atoms thick.
  •  
  • Your lawyer''s so fat
     ... we''re inside her right now.
  •  
  • Your auntie so fat
     ... that Weight Watchers threw her out for breaking the scales.
  •  
  • Your boss so fat
     ... that when she calls a board meeting she has to pull herself up a sofa.
  •  
  • Your air hostess so fat
     ... that on a scale of 1 to 10 she a 747.
  •  
  • Your boyfriend so fat
     ... he hasn''t seen his feet for 10 years.
  •  
  • Your bro so fat
     ... that when he farted, Mars came out...and I ain''t talkin bout the  ''sweetie''.
  •  
  • Your music teacher so fat
     ... that she whistles bass.
  •  
  • Your postman so fat
     ... he got his very own post code.
  •  
  • Your cousin so fat
     ... she''s on both sides of the family.
  •  
  • Your girlfriend so fat
     ... I ask her to go get a curry and she bring back 80 pounds of gravy.
  •  
  • Your wife so fat
     ... she got more nooks and crannies than a Ploughman''s pastry.
  •  
  • Your sister so fat
     ... she got a new job DJ''ing for the ice cream van.
  •  
  • Your dog so fat
     ... that when you take it "walkies" it don''t know whether it walking or  rolling.
  •  
  • Your astronomer so fat
     ... she plays pool with Venus....and Neptune...and Pluto...and...
     
  • your ass is so fat
     ... you created the Earth with a pizza.

  • ... she has a glass door with a peep hole.
  •  
  • ... she got locked in a grocery store and starved to  death.
  •  
  • ... the phone rang and she answered the door.  
  • ... she got hit by a parked car!
  •  
  • ... she threw a rock at the ground and missed.  
  • ... she sat on the television and watched the couch.
  •  
  • ... she can''t even jump to a conclusion.
  •  
  • ... she got locked in a supermarket and starved to death.
  •  
  • ... she jumped off a cliff and stopped for directions.
  •  
  • ... she stayed up all night studying for a pregnancy  test.
  •  
  • ... she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
  •  
  • ... it took her an hour to cook Minute Rice.
  •  
  • ... I told her to make up her mind and she put lipstick  on her head.
  •  
  • ... she tripped over a cordless phone.
  •  
  • ... she got stabbed at a shoot-out.
  •  
  • ... she took the Pepsi Challenge and chose Jif.  
  • ... she fell out a window and the bitch went up.
  •  
  • ... it takes her two hours to watch Sixty Minutes
  •  
  • ... when she went to a movie theater and saw a sign that  said "Under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends.
  •  
  • ... when I told her it was chilly outside, she went to  get a bowl.
  •  
  • ... she got locked outside of a motorcycle.
  •  
  • ... she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.
  •  
  • ... she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the  other side.
  •  
  • ... she tried to take over the world by stealing the  globe from the library.
  •  
  • ... she bought a car, and returned it because there  weren''t any gloves in the glove compartment.
  •  
  • ... she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.
  •  
  • ... she thought fruit punch was a gay boxer!
  •  
  • ... when she runs, she makes the CD player skip ... at  the radio station.
  •  
  • ... she thought taco bell was authentic Mexican food.
  •  
  • ... she thought a football was a foot to throw around.
  •  
  • ... she thought aspiration was butt sweat.
  •  
  • ... she thought judo was what you use to make bagels.
  •  
  • ... she stole free bread.